The past is the past is the past

Normally, I use this space to write about Leo and our autism journey but today I’m being a little selfish. A good friend of mine is having a baby and I’m so excited for them. Like me, my friend didn’t have a particularly great mother. We talked tonight and I was reminded how afraid I was to be a parent because I felt like I didn’t have the skills to parent. I was wrong. As soon as I knew Leo was coming, I loved him more than I have loved any one or any thing. I’m far from a perfect parent but I love my kid, I do my best on 99% of the days, and I try to give myself some grace. Here’s the thing about grace, it’s easier to give it to others than it is to give to yourself. I was talking with one of my closest friends the other night and I made an off-handed comment about jail. She said, “Wait, you’ve been in jail?!” This is someone I love and trust with all my secrets but she didn’t know. It didn’t come up. How does that conversation begin? “Hey, I know I seem like a decent person now but I used to be a total trash bag!” It seems like a weird conversation to have when it doesn’t even seem like it’s my life. Before I turned 25, I was a trash bag person. I was a drunk, an addict, a thief, an asshole, and had no concern for other people. Today, I don’t know that person but I do remember how she feels. I remember being constantly afraid and hoping no one would find out that I was terrified on the inside. I remember thinking there was no one to help and no one to trust. Of course, now I know this wasn’t true. Here’s the thing, I can be embarrassed about that time in my life (And trust me there are some very embarrassing things) or I can learn from it. I can remember that feeling of hopelessness and try to be just a little bit more kind. I can raise my kid to know he is loved and always has a safe place. I can throw grace and love around like a drag queen with a glitter cannon. I now have a happy and amazing family and friends who love me even when I’m a trash bag. If you’re in that dark place, try and shine a little light and I’ll meet you where you are. You don’t have to stay there. We belong to one another and we are all beloved children of God (Buddha, Allah, Superman, etc.). The very least we can do for each other is offer more grace and less judgment. I love you, jerks...even the trash bags.

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