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The New Normal

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My baby was sick today with an ear infection and a high fever. He took a nap today and counting that nap, that gives us a total of two naps he has taken since his second birthday. We spent the day in bed and had ice cream for lunch. At one point, he curled up and asked me to rub his head and then he finally fell asleep. Holding my head. The smell of his sweet head in my nose. These days of snuggles and cuddles won’t always happen so I’m taking advantage. Today reminded me of another day, a day when I was sick with an ear infection. I might have been around 6, older than Leo but no stranger to an ear infection, I was chronically afflicted. My “parents” had made plans to go to the neighbors with the other parents and kids in the neighborhood and my sickness wasn’t going to stop that. I remember all of us kids playing in the basement and I felt terrible. I went upstairs to report feeling awful, there may have been tears. I was told to go and lay on the couch and we would leave soon. ...
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The past is the past is the past

Normally, I use this space to write about Leo and our autism journey but today I’m being a little selfish. A good friend of mine is having a baby and I’m so excited for them. Like me, my friend didn’t have a particularly great mother. We talked tonight and I was reminded how afraid I was to be a parent because I felt like I didn’t have the skills to parent. I was wrong. As soon as I knew Leo was coming, I loved him more than I have loved any one or any thing. I’m far from a perfect parent but I love my kid, I do my best on 99% of the days, and I try to give myself some grace. Here’s the thing about grace, it’s easier to give it to others than it is to give to yourself. I was talking with one of my closest friends the other night and I made an off-handed comment about jail. She said, “Wait, you’ve been in jail?!” This is someone I love and trust with all my secrets but she didn’t know. It didn’t come up. How does that conversation begin? “Hey, I know I seem like a decent person now but ...
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Patience

Parenting any four-year-old is not a job for the faint of heart, throw in an autism diagnosis and a genetically superior sense of stubbornness and you have just described my life. My son is the sweet, kindest, most loving boy. He is also stubborn and not easily swayed from something he’s interested in. Today was one of those days where nothing went right. He was out of sorts. My patience was short. We spent a lot of time butting heads. As I’ve worked through my own issues of childhood, it has made me very conscious of how I parent. I guess it can best be described as attachment parenting. I encourage my son to be independent and strong but he knows Mama has his back. As he grows and learns, I feel him moving further away and I want to pull him back and not let the world get him. I keep thinking, as new milestones pass, this is the hardest part of parenting but then life seems to ramp it up. I’m trying to be for my son, the parent I never had. These days when we are both glaring at each...
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Highs and Lows

Parenting is full of highs and lows and autism parenting is especially full of highs and lows. We have had our share of both in the last few weeks. After spending almost a year fighting constant ear infections, Leo had tubes placed in his ears last Tuesday. His pre-procedure hearing test showed moderate hearing loss due to fluid in his ears and his post-procedure hearing test showed normal hearing function. Leo began to experiment with his voice almost immediately following the procedure and just today said the words green and plane. When you have a kid who has been labeled non-verbal, these are the days you wait for. Hearing his little voice is one of the greatest joys in our life. People have often asked me "what is the first thing you recommend after your child gets an autism diagnosis?" My answer never changes, "get yourself a good therapist, get yourself a good marriage therapist (if you're married or coupled) and find out who your village is." Your villa...
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Some days

Everyone knows that being a parent is hard. Being a mama is hard (I'm not discriminating against Dads, I've just never been one). Being a stay at home Mama is hard. Being a Mama to a three year old boy on the spectrum is hard. Things have been difficult and frustrating as of late. Last week, Leo and I were on our own while Mom was out of town. Leo and I are a lot alike which means that sometimes we tend to butt heads. We are both stubborn beyond belief and neither of us likes to be wrong. I am also struggling with some personal issues and haven't been at my best. Mama guilt is a killer. You spend every day wanting to be the best parent you can to your child but some days, you're just not there. Some days, your own issues rise up and take over and then the Mama guilt comes in full force. In the middle of a power struggle between Leo and I last week, I lost my shit and I yelled. I grew up with yelling and screaming and abuse and I hate that I let that part of me out. Anyo...
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It seems like it should be so easy.

I was a little anxious about our weekend activities, Leo was going to go to his first day of Sunday School which required sitting still and a birthday party for a friend turning four which involved playing with other kids. It seems like it should be so easy. Leo doesn't like people, especially kids, in his face. The birthday party was kids he knew...Sunday School was a few kids he knew but mostly strangers. I knew things were going to be tough when right after we got in the classroom, a little girl took a toy away from Leo. Of course, he wanted to immediately take it back. My parenting style is this, just because that little girl acts like an asshole doesn't mean you get to act like one too. I tried to redirect but he would not let it go. So, we took a break. He went to hang with Ms. Jojo until Mom could come get him and I went back into the Sunday School class. I have agreed to be a Sunday School teacher only to be with Leo (seriously, who am I?). Don't think I didn't ...
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Back to the Blog

I've decided to restart my blog, mostly because I've also restarted my Master's degree and I need something to help me procrastinate. I've also started again because as Leo has started school and is around more kids, I've found a lot more questions and a lot more misunderstandings. Also, we like travel companions. Here's the background, Leo is 3.5 years old and received his diagnosis from the University of Iowa in April of 2015. He was 26 months old. His Mom and I were not very accepting of his diagnosis to begin with but that didn't stop us from immediately putting Leo to work. He started ABA therapy, he started speech, he started OT. At this point, Leo is nonverbal with some social issues. I say at this point because I believe Leo will talk one day. He says a few words, he is a rock star with his PECs (picture exchange cards) book and he is great at communicating with his Mom and I. This blog is from my perspective and my experiences with Leo. His other ...
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