Some days

Everyone knows that being a parent is hard. Being a mama is hard (I'm not discriminating against Dads, I've just never been one). Being a stay at home Mama is hard. Being a Mama to a three year old boy on the spectrum is hard. Things have been difficult and frustrating as of late. Last week, Leo and I were on our own while Mom was out of town. Leo and I are a lot alike which means that sometimes we tend to butt heads. We are both stubborn beyond belief and neither of us likes to be wrong. I am also struggling with some personal issues and haven't been at my best. Mama guilt is a killer. You spend every day wanting to be the best parent you can to your child but some days, you're just not there. Some days, your own issues rise up and take over and then the Mama guilt comes in full force. In the middle of a power struggle between Leo and I last week, I lost my shit and I yelled. I grew up with yelling and screaming and abuse and I hate that I let that part of me out. Anyone who knows me, knows that I don't like feelings (although I'm really good with anger) and when Leo was born I had all the feelings. Every day that he has been here, I have had all the feelings. Some days it's overwhelming. Some days I am so full of resentment for those parents of neurotypical kids. Some days I feel guilt about Leo's diagnosis and wonder if I caused it. I know these aren't always rational feelings but they find a way to rear their ugly heads into my mind. My boy is the sweetest, kindest, most loving boy in the world. I don't know where he got that because I don't see that in me. Some days, I try and see the world more like Leo does. He finds joy wherever he goes. If he doesn't find joy, he doesn't participate. He loves big and he feels big. I don't want him to ever lose that and I pray that my issues don't leak all over him. My Grandma Alice used to say, "watch who you walk with because shit splatters." So, I'm trying to be better for Leo and for me. I keep looking for the joy and right now it's hard to see. I'm in the deep end right now but I'm still treading water and I can see that boy with his big smile and his deep love on the shore so I'll just keep swimming because it's all I can do.

Comments

  1. Gramma Kathie HeapsMay 31, 2018 at 9:25 PM

    If all of the "Leo issues" you speak of were your fault....wiuld you change it to get a different boy. You don't get both. Leo is Leo as he is. The butterfly effect is in play here. You change one thing and it all changes. I for one would not change any if it. He is light everyday and light comes from God. Gramma k

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