The World According to Leo (and his Mama)

My baby was sick today with an ear infection and a high fever. He took a nap today and counting that nap, that gives us a total of two naps he has taken since his second birthday. We spent the day in bed and had ice cream for lunch. At one point, he curled up and asked me to rub his head and then he finally fell asleep. Holding my head. The smell of his sweet head in my nose. These days of snuggles and cuddles won’t always happen so I’m taking advantage. Today reminded me of another day, a day when I was sick with an ear infection. I might have been around 6, older than Leo but no stranger to an ear infection, I was chronically afflicted. My “parents” had made plans to go to the neighbors with the other parents and kids in the neighborhood and my sickness wasn’t going to stop that. I remember all of us kids playing in the basement and I felt terrible. I went upstairs to report feeling awful, there may have been tears. I was told to go and lay on the couch and we would leave soon. ...

Normally, I use this space to write about Leo and our autism journey but today I’m being a little selfish. A good friend of mine is having a baby and I’m so excited for them. Like me, my friend didn’t have a particularly great mother. We talked tonight and I was reminded how afraid I was to be a parent because I felt like I didn’t have the skills to parent. I was wrong. As soon as I knew Leo was coming, I loved him more than I have loved any one or any thing. I’m far from a perfect parent but I love my kid, I do my best on 99% of the days, and I try to give myself some grace. Here’s the thing about grace, it’s easier to give it to others than it is to give to yourself. I was talking with one of my closest friends the other night and I made an off-handed comment about jail. She said, “Wait, you’ve been in jail?!” This is someone I love and trust with all my secrets but she didn’t know. It didn’t come up. How does that conversation begin? “Hey, I know I seem like a decent person now but ...